Almost got sucked into other things this morning after I managed to get a photo taken. Focus was scattered. Fighting the grogginess with a hot beverage.

Yesterday read part of a NY Magazine article: Why parents hate parenting. Gist was that  study after study has shown that people with kids are usually unhappier than people without kids. The more kids you have, the unhappier you are. The older you are when you have kids the unhappier you are. What it boiled down to was the best you could hope for was being as happy as someone without kids, but odds weren't good.

So, this brings up a lot about how I feel about having kids. Sure, I like to romanticize about teaching my kid new things, raising them, molding them, discovering cool stuff with them, doing better than my parents did, etc. I'm sure most people who want kids think about this. But, I suspect those are the fleeting moments. There is discipline and mis-communication and rebellion to contend with. You're signing an 18+ yr rental agreement. Life as you know it is ever-changed, and those youthful years are forever gone. Will I be a shell of self at the end? Calcified in my ways? Too old for such a radical change as the kids leaving home to contend well with it?

Another way I think about kids is pretty cold. I think of them as my future caretaker. When it comes down to it, unless I make it rich — and there is nothing indicating that's going to happen — I'll have to hope my kids will help me out. Not just financially, of course, but emotionally; which being rich probably won't help with. I see my dad struggling with this last part right now. He's got enough money to take care of himself, but he's really screwed the pooch on a lot of his familial relations. It's a rough sauce.

Having kids is such a final decision. I'm not sure anything in my life comes close to comparison. When you have a kid, that decision is made. What happens if you realize it was a bad move a few years later? There really is no recourse. It's a far more serious commitment than anything else I'll likely face. I'm finding it quite overwhelming. These decisions basically need to be made soon given other commitments coming up.

I'm grateful that S&R are having their baby soon. That's a serious petri dish for me to watch. I suspect their experiences are going to have a lot of influence over my life.