In a rush. Woke up very late and should definitely be working by now. Getting saved a bit by the EST and that we're trying an experiment tonight of me heading downtown to work in a coffee shop or two for 3 hours or so.

A little off keel. Three days of pure relaxtion and now I'm feeling a bit of anxiety. For some reason I stress on looking good for work. It's a little weird because I got a raise and was told I was one of the most productive engineers in the company. Clearly I'm getting my shit done. But, still, I freak when I'm not online and I think others will be. Much more often than not, I'm totally wrong and people come in much later and no one really notices (i think) that I was there early and I typically feel I need to stay late since everyone else is. Perhaps this is why I am so productive. :-)

Is this a self-confidence thing? Maybe if I believed in myself more I wouldn't worry about these things. On the other hand it did lead to a raise and some praise. So something is being appreciated.

I can feel myself holding my muscles tight. Must breathe and relax.

In general, I have problems being chill. Reminds me of my sister. I feel wrapped up like a ball of twine. Why? Part of this letting go thing. I feel my whole body clench when I'm experiencing something I don't think I should, something "bad". So far have I strayed from what I learned in North Fork. What to do? I have such an aversion to beginning that practice again. Why? To boot, I can't imagine trying to do this project and that practice at the same time. Two morning practices is a lot of time I already feel I don't have.

And time management is a huge problem I've always had. I can't seem to divide my time up right. This also, perhaps, stems from not being able to let go of things. Dunno. Time-boxxing. I need to do a lot more time-boxxing. :-/

Or do I? This whole thing feels forced. Like I need to make some sort of discovery or have an epiphany. Fuck. I'm just spewing some words and took a picture. That's how it is. Okay. Feeling time pressured sucks.